serendipti's Diaryland Diary

11:10 pm - Sunday, May. 14, 2006

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happy birthday laurel!

So this entry is dedicated to my sister, Laurel, in celebration of her birth, and vibrant life, one lived with so much intergrity and grace and kindness and careful consideration of how her actions affect others, that she is powerful enough to unsilence the silenced.
I took a break. And hid. And tended to myself. Because sometimes your trust in people is so shaken, that you are convinced that they will take something as precious as your story, your simple, unabridged, truth, and conjure up ways to hurt you with it. Because I have discovered of late, that people can actually be this cruel, under the auspices of weakness, selfishness, cowardice, and just general smallness.
And so I took a break, from this space that I love, and being connected to people who know how to love, because of others who don't.
And I have grown weary of feeling un-connected. And I have so many stories to tell, and I don't know where to put them, without this space.
And to continue my absence would be to deny the existence of those who surround me who live the words loyalty, integrity, and love. For whom these concepts are verbs in that they show in actions, not as pretty words that garnish a life like a sprig of parsley. What we do is who we are.
It is as simple as that. And I do not hide. And I do not stop. And I write.
Laurel is in Tunisia. And Amy is in China. And when people you love are in Tunisia and China, you feel a little unsettled until they come home. A person I love is in Ireland, but that is different, because that is their home right now. And when someone is home, you don't feel as on edge as when someone is not.
In about 8 hours I report to a rotation that will take me to my county's coroner's office, where I will be learning about the field of forensic pathology. Yes, good time to resurrect the journal, no? Right as some crazy six feet under freaky deaky stuff is going to come my way.
I have never been this excited about starting a rotation.
And the reality is that it is not because of the pathology I am going to learn....that is not what is making it hard for me to fall asleep....it is the imagining how I am going to describe everything I see tomorrow in this space right here that puts a thrill inside of me. How will I tell this part of my story.

I had a very difficult conversation this weekend. I had actually put it off for a little under five months, if you can believe it. My friend had told me that he had done something bad. Despicable bad. The kind of thing you would never want to happen to you, but the kind of thing you dream for your enemies. And he told me. And I told him, many months ago, that he must, at the very least, own up to what he did, since it is not the mistake that matters as much as how we deal with it afterwards. Because what we do afterwards is the biggest indicator of our character. And so I told this all to him many months ago, and then proceeded to avoid him and evade his phone calls, because I didn't want to know. I didn't want to know that someone I loved would continue living a certain aspect of his life that I found despicable. And I knew that if I were going to talk to him, I would have to be his friend and challenge him on it, and not let it be something that I ignored. So Instead, I avoided him. Because I would rather be no friend at all than a half assed one. And I have not had the wherewithal to be the only kind of friend I know how to be---real. And honest. And so close to five months later, I called him. And said I had avoided him because I didn't want to know. I didn't want to know that he had not taken ownership for what he had done. Which he hadn't. And this may sound all vague and all, but it is tough, how you negotiate your friendship with someone in the context of behavior (not directly to you) that you find inexcusable. And the fact of the matter is, that this has always somehow been my peculiar burden in friendship. Because I know if I don't say it, nobdy else will. It has happened way too many times for me to think that someone else will step in and say what needs to be said. And sometimes I hate it. I hate that burden. I hate being the one to always have to have the difficult conversations. The one to say, I don't respect that you have done this. I don't respect that you are living this part of your life in this way. And so I told him that. And I had my breath held because lately it has been revealed to me that friendship, for some, is actually conditional, and for some, it can be here one minute and gone the next. And having learned this recently has colored my perspective on many things, including this particular conversation, which, as far as I knew, could be the end of our friendship.
And I shared this all with him, and he said, this is precisely why I love you, because you tell me the truth and push me to be a better me. And I was relieved by this, because, well, it could have been an ugly, friendship ending conversation. Trust me, when you are the only one to tell someone something that everyone knows to be true but nobody else wants to say, you almost always end up getting punished for it. If there is one thing I know in this world.....it is that. Bitter bitter experience speaking here.
And so I had this load. And it is off, thank god. And there will be no more friend-evading for me. And I told him that if he does not do the right thing, it does not mean I won't be his friend, because I will, but it means that he stands for something that I am astonished he stands for. And my respect for him will change. And the fact of the matter is, when someone you love can treat someone they love with such little care or intergrity, at then end of the day, doesn't that make your love a little less safe in this person's hands? At least it feels less safe. And if nothing changes with regards to whether he owns up and stands up like an adult by what he did, and even though I will still be his friend, for a person like this to have my love in his hands feels less safe than before. And that is a loss. A big one.
And so I come back to the beginning.....thank goddess for Laurel. Thank you universe for allowing the existence of people who want to be pushed to be better, better friends, better kids, better siblings, better lovers, better mothers. And for people who push you to be a better you. For as Gibran said, for what is the purpose of friendship but for the deepening of the spirit?
here is the real line....i just looked it up for accuracy's sake:
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit
May I be continue to be blessed by friends who wither not from the challenge of spirit deepening.

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