serendipti's Diaryland
Diary
4:42 p.m. - Monday, Nov. 28, 2005
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fam in india....me no likey
my mom and dad left for india ayer, and bhai and bhabhi and rohun are already there.....and somehow, I feel all unsettled and creeped out by feeling that they, who are the center of my universe, are all so far away, and I keep posing awful questions to amy like, if my whole family died, do you think I would get suicidal? To which she said, your whole family is not going to die....to which I said, that wasn't the question....the question was whether I would become suicidal once they all did die.......
oftentimes, people think I focus on death a lot. But I feel like thinking about it once and again keeps you humble.....because when you carry with you the reality of everything potentially changing in an instant, you become more adept at valuing what you have. This is in no way justifying why my mind has to take it to the extent it does, but thinking about my unsettled feeling, my nervousness, my feeling like an electron in orbit around no nucleus....it makes me realize how much more ponderous the weight of the world must feel for people who do not have an entity that they can look at as a center or core. I mean, damn. My parents are always there. Rock solid. More dependable than change, that is my parents.
And combined with bhai and bhabhi and now Rohun, they feel like the locus of everything that matters.....they represent my oxygen or something. And all of them, all at once, being in India where we have already done the whole losing a family member in a car accident thing, well, it makes me think about things like whether losing them all would make me suicidal. I think yes, definitely, I think it would. Because the thought of not having them all, in one fell swoop, makes me want to disappear, even in my head. even in my imaginings, I don't want to exist to imagine what it would be like.
So there you go. I think I need to talk about my parents in more descriptive ways. As i get older, I get more and more in awe of how supremely inimitable parental love is. And it has been making me sad, too, thinking about how nobody will love me the way my parents do. Nobody in the whole world. Once, in India, mom dad and Jaimalaben went to a wedding and it was in a village and there were like a million mosquitos. And Jaimalaben was like 18 or something, and there were no mosquito nets. And Dad stayed awake, all night, slapping mosquitos dead over his precious daughter's face and arms, all night before the wedding. He did not sleep at all. And I always think of him, palms flecked with blood from the mosquito killing, nowhere in his mind was there any place where he was supposed to be, anything he was supposed to be doing, besides this. And I always feel like crying when I think about that incident, because I feel like it allows me to stand at the periphery of not just understanding what it means to love a child, but what it might mean to lose a child.
Big sigh. huge. Umm....I don't have a lot more to say, really. thanks for listening, i guess. If there is something about the knot in the middle of my chest that I have a feeling might last till they all come home.....if you know of something to relieve it.....warm compresses, an H2 blocker....whatevs...lemme know.
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