serendipti's Diaryland Diary

9:52 p.m. - Monday, Aug. 15, 2005

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

my mumby's lap

hey--haven't really felt like writing much. maybe it is the exhaustion. maybe it is the test that i seem completely unable to study for....today I thought maybe Ritalin is something I should look into.
I wish I could sleep in past 5 am tomorrow. Today I almost called in sick; I had been nauseated ever since I had had an unexpected phone call that netiquette will not allow me to delve into. And so I felt like ass, because God Fordbid I be the kind of person who can compartmentalize things when they need to be compartmentalized because there is a test in 4 days I need to pass. God forbid I be able to do that.

My dad went to his oncologist today, and his numbers are climbing, slowly and steadily, and God, I wish I could just get the hell out of Chicago for good and just BE home. Just BE. I have no other goals in my life right now. Nothing else feels worth my time or my energy than to get out of here ASAP and just BE with my daddy.
No plans of treatment just yet. Just waiting and watching while the numbers climb and repeating bone scans till we see a lytic lesion. Modern medicine at its best. As soon as I get home, I need to start figuring out how to get Dad seen by these super myeloma experts in Arkansas so that they see him before he is at the stage where he needs treatment, which is coming up, no doubt, some time not so far away.
So I am in the last week of General Surgery. I was in a cholecystectomy----gall bladder removal....and it took forever because we had to do imaging in between the procedure....and I was already feeling like ass and a half, and then to top it off, we were pushing 2-3 hours, so I fought through the pass out feeling, cuz dammit, it is the last week, and I am not passing out the last week.....been there and done that with my peds rotation....anyway, so that was today. Tomorrow is an all OR day, so I will update between cases, or not. I am not in a writing mood. Clearly evidenced by my contributions here.
I want to go home. And put my head in my mom's lap, have my face cradled in her saadi, smell her mom-smell as she pets my hair and face, and I just want to be there and close my eyes and be left alone.
That is all I want.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next