serendipti's Diaryland Diary

8:56 a.m. - Monday, Jul. 25, 2005

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NASTY SMELLING FUNK!

so I am so so so sleepy. Today is my first day on inpatient surgery, which means I have to wake up at 5 am now. Which is sucky longstocking, because, well, just because.
I kept falling asleep the whole hour during morning report, where I was conveniently RIGHT in front of the resident who was presenting the patient. Amy is back from Galveston, and after a Saturday of sitting around doing nothing and going to bed early, we decided to be uber productive ayer. So we cleaned and shopped and found these great vinyl chairs and a pimpy cool light green velvety couch for her apt, then we got boxes, started packing her house, did laundry, then went to the southside to check out another couch....the picture of it on craigslist was way flattering...we didn't get it, but then we went swimming at 'the point,' which is right by U of C, where Amy went to undergrad. It was beautiful and we swam and it was a warm lovely evening....that was our big indulgence of the day. As a result, we finally got to bed a little before midnight.....it was like 110 degrees yesterday, and hot all night, and today is sweltering as well.....humid and hot.
I went to the cafeteria and got a bowl of grits in order to carb overload before the surgery I scrub into in half an hour. I have only been able to get through half the bowl.....hope that is enough to keep the ole glycemic index elevated.
So here is the story of the weekend: my friend, Joe the Commie, had some political commie labor uniony sort of thing going on this weekend. I know it was to culminate in a US out of Venezuela rally.....which, due to the 100 degree weather, I skipped. SO Joe asks me on thurday is there was a way I could put up a few folks coming in from Minnesota....he said, maybe two....I was like, Yo Joe, I can take up to four, between the couch, the single bed, the double futon mattress, I thought, no prob. Okay, so these folks end up coming in Friday night at about 130am, which was okay, since Amy also came in pretty late. So I wake up to let them in, and all of a sudden, WHOOOSH. I smell nasty ass funk as I open the door. And I am not talking just straight perspiration funk, I am talking homeless person who has not taken a shower for a month funk. Like potent putrid, packed with punch. And I let them in, I had set up their beds and put sheets and blankets all ready for them. I had also made a point to scrub my house inside out. My friend Megan had come over and prettified my home on Friday, so I was really stoked at how lovely it looked.
Anyway, so I let them in, although I am overpowered by the unmistakable stench of funk. I get back into the room, and was like, Amy, it stunk when I let them in. I reasoned that maybe it was the car ride over from Minnesota, I mean, it was hot and all.
When I said good night to them, I offered towels up to anyone who wanted to take a shower (that was my hint hint moment) but they demurred and told me to leave them out the next day.
So the next day comes around. Amy and I go the the sofa, and it STINKS. We gingerly remove the sheet and blankey off the sofa, as we realize the stench is localized to the sofa.....i.e. it is one out of the four who has some pathological stench. We are pretty grossed out, as we can also smell it emanating from the bag next to the sofa. We made jokes about not having had expected smelly hippies....I was like, I only hung out with hygenic hippies in Berkeley.
So we spent the rest of the day sitting on the sofa, removed of the smelly bedding.
When night came, since neither of us wanted to handle aforementioned bedding, we left in lying next to the sofa. TACTICAL ERROR.
In the morning, after stinky left the bathroom, I went in and almost gagged. Her potent stench was everywhere. It was as if it were a living breathing, space occupying entity. I made Amy get out of bed so I could confirm I was not being dramacidal or overreacting. She concurred that the stench was other worldly.
Then, once I went out to say hi to the ladies, I realized who stinky was, because well, you could smell her from 2 feet away. She was the youngest of the group, a just recently graduated high schooler, and she had the sort of punk vibe, and well, she stunk. I don't know whether or not she took a shower, but either way it was awful.
When they all left, I sat on the sofa and FREAKED OUT. Stinky had apparently not even put the sheet down, and her deep down body stench had permeated the very fibers of the sofa. I called Amy over and told her to sniff. As she gagged, she told me we had to do something about it. I mean, you guys, this is not about me being bourgie. Cuz I felt bad about feeling this way about another human being, the fact that I was so repulsed made me feel like somehow, I was an awful person. But the funk was so strong, and USE that couch---I lay down on that couch, put my face on that couch, AND that funk is so strong there was no way I could resume normal activities or any semblance of a normal relationship with that couch unless there was some intervention done---I mean the funk is so funky it could prolly reach you over the internet. I swear.
So then I went into a near manic cleaning frenzy for the next few hours, where I scrubbed everthing in my house, made a huge pile of the blankets and the sheets and the pillowcases.....was relieved to find it was only one girl with funk, not all, although another one had this comb that was next to my computer that was filled with hair and chunks of dirt and dandruff.....she left behind a crap load of hair all over the wood floor next to the bed......so I cleaned in with a frenzied manic energy, and every half hour, I would go over and see if the funk had evaporated from the couch....it persisted....and i would get all sad because I knew I would have to steam vac the couch if I ever wanted to sit on it again......yuck. I was in a bad mood for much of the day as a result.
And then when we went shopping, I bought like 10 cleaning supplies, from detergent to febreeze to bleach to liquid soap.....I had what might be described as a manic disinfectant episode.
Anyway, the Girl with the Potent Funk left it behind, and it is still in my couch. Everything else got cleaned. I will likely go to Home Depot and rent a steam vac tomorrow, and that way we can clean Amy's new (used) couch as well.
I learned an important lesson this weekend. Actually, a bunch. Opening up your home to strangers is no small deal. Because at the end of the day, your home is your little parcel in the universe that you have some semblance of control over. And psychologically, that has a ridiculous amount of sway over how you feel about yourself and your place in the world.
2. I love JTC, but I don't think I can do this for him again. I did it because I love him, but having people you don't know in your home, makes it hard to be like, are you crazy stepping on those sheets with your dirty flops?
3. You need to handle funky sheets even if you don't want to, because maybe the Girl With the Unrelenting Funk will not put a barrier between her funk and your couch, and then you will have to rent a $30 steam vac.
4. Who Am I? Why the hell does this stuff happen to me? Have you ever heard of this happening to anyone else?
What is wrong with me?
5. As my father commented about smelly hippies after I bemoaned my fate: You cannot talk about keeping the environment clean if you can't keep yourself clean!
6. Nuff said.

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