serendipti's Diaryland Diary

8:48 p.m. - Sunday, Nov. 14, 2004

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having a moment

today was my no holds barred, blecccch day. It began with a sunday morning of feeling like ass, dragging aforementioned out of bed, waiting for the bus, getting on the bus, leaving my lunch on aforementioned bus (what is wack is that I am pretty sure that is where I left it....i remember the people sitting across from me giving me funny looks, and I remember thinking, did I forget something, and then i checked and made sure i had my backpack, phone and wallet, and I walked off the bus, and the people watched on, without telling me I left my lunch on the bus. Unless i left it at home, but I am pretty sure I did not. But then again, all I do is lose things and forget things, so who knows? I lost about 20 bucks worth of lunch coupons they gave us for the caferteria....why? Because I lose things.....I am a loser. I lose, therefore I am. And puh-leeze, let me have my low self esteemy moment without writing some sort of a pick me up 'you're special' email...for the love, that is the last thing I need. And i think from here on out I have to tell you all what I *specifically * need, because I am so on edge, the wrong thing can just set me off. Like being asked the day i received my board scores, are you ready?(me: ready for what?) Ready to take the Boards again.....
I felt like simultaneously bursting into tears, while bitch slapping the well wisher. It was just not the thing I needed, and right now, I would rather hibernate in a moldy old cave than be around someone or something that has the potential of setting me off. I feel like I am an emotional landmine right now, and wary be the wanderer who happens to stumble my way.
I am having a bit of a moment right now. Please allow me to write it out.
And so I get to work around 8, and of course, there is not much for me to do, and when we finally do round, the doctor filling in for our attending happens to be this kindly old mister rogers type, except that instead of speaking clearly, projecting, and enunciating, I had to bloody read his lips, he speaks so softly (and no, he does not carry a big stick). And so i am using up all my bloody glycogen stores and burning up all this ATP while we spend like a 100 years on one patient, and then I have this yucky, light heady I am going to vomity-feeling, and I realize that I might pass out. So in true Dipti fashion, I try to fight it, lean against the wall, try mind over matter, and then I havea flash back to doing the same thing before slumping over the Gravitron that fateful day in early august, and I have a flash of me slipping into unconsciousness in front of two patient rooms, on the cold and bateria covered hallway tiles....and I think, maybe it is time to grow up a bit, so I tap my interns shoulder and I ;m like, i feel light headed, I am going to sit down. And so i do, and realize the old forehead is bathed in sweat, and I drink and drink all this water to try and increase the ole intravascular volume, and thn my friend Kim takes my BP (not awful, 84/53...not that great, either) and then I take a nap in the call room, realize I have forgotten my lunch.....and thus the day began.

Concentrating on all of my inadequacies has always been a favortie past time of mine. The opposite is also true, it just depends on the context (you all know what I am talking about, my self directed Dipti lovefests have surely not escaped your minds)
Amy's friend came into town, and although she had forecast I will not get along with him, I wanted to prove her wrong, and I tried my bloody utmost to get along with him, but just could not. And that bothered me because I was trying. Like holding my tongue and not letting loose the sarcastic comments that were itching my palate and wanting to escape my oralfice (get it? ORALfice...I like it....screw you)
And so i tried, and we just didn't get along. Which led Amy to ponder on how I do not tend to get along with her friends with strong opinions, (there have been others), to which I said, all my closest friends are really opinionated, but then she was like, yeah, but they share your opinion.....and then I mentioned a friend that I recently diagreed with...but then i realized that this was a prime example in her favor, since I think he has since dumped me for my possible differing opinion....hmmm.....do I not get along with strongly opinioned people with opinions different from my own? this is a question that has the potential to consume my mind for many an hour.
So Amy's prediction about my getting along (or not) with her friend came true, and maye it is the old gujarati quote that applies here, "radto jai ane moova ni khabar lave"
gotta go admit a patient with my girls
will write more
so I just went and examined a little jumbee who is a vegetable, and the nurse that was with us said as we were getting his info before he was admitting him, they should have let him die in the PICU, where they had kept him for like 5 mos., in order to keep him alive to his present veg. state. And this nurse immediately was all, sorry....but its true, and seeing this huge kid, swollen on steroids, with a feeding tube (g tube) and a port a cath, and the oxygen coming through his nasal cannula....I couldn't justify the harsh impulse I had first had towards the nurse.

So I need to go write the admit note...my first of the day. I will continue the self loathing later, or maybe I won't cuz it might have passed. I had the best phone date with the lovely (and now engaged) Dave Solomon, and that has been the green patch of the last 24.

I feel like a dry dessicated leaf. The hospital air is like airplane air, replete with flaky skin and bloody noses. And the occasional fainting spell.
The Simpsons was not as awesome as I had hoped. But funny, but not as fun when you are flanke by two residents who are not involved and are talking to each other and are only amused by your reaction. Would have had more fun watching with the Arod.
EAting ginormous grapes that out resident brought for me and the intern. I love these girls. i am going to be sad to leave.
Okay, need to go work.
for real.
lates

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